CAAAAAN U FEEEEEEEL THUH LUUUUUUV TOOOONIIIIITE?!
Welcome to the (I guess) 1st annual Yearly Beloved collab put together last-minutely and especially for this Day of St. Valentine, 2019, by the Well-Wed Mages ❤ ❤ ❤, a team of starry-eyed, fast-pulsed, sweaty-palmed, hopeful romantics. The cut of the jib of this collab is simple: we decided to share our favorite waifus and husbandos with you!
In case you don’t know, and to spare you the experience of having to Google “waifu” then wipe your browser memory immediately thereafter, we’re talking about our favorite characters, essentially. They don’t have to be our crushes, or characters we find attractive, but they can be, especially if “attractive” is in the broadest sense of parading their many virtues. It’s a day to celebrate the people we love and appreciate beauty, so that includes our favorite video game personas!
This Valentine’s Day, let me tell you all about my husband. He’s passionate, dedicated to his chosen career path, and most importantly, finds humour in the little things.
We met back in 2002, when I had just completed high school. I’d known of him and his ambition for years, but Australia wasn’t allowing us to be together. Instead, I spent time with a man named Sephiroth, who loved barbecues and his mother. I had a nice time, but my heart was unmoved. I needed more.
Then, at the tender age of 17, I heard his laugh for the first time. Distance was no longer an issue, and I could relish the opportunity for us to grow closer. I watched him struggle beneath work expectations, knowing he deserved more than the position he was given. However, despite disliking his circumstances, he performed his duties, and retained a sense of joy.
Until, through a sudden burst of confidence, he showed the world his talents. He demonstrated a keen sense for mixing drinks which, unfortunately, killed quite a few people. He also killed his boss, but hey, who hasn’t wanted to do that at some point in their lives? My boy was driven, and I was so proud. He also got an incredible promotion and became a stable homeowner with many devoted employees!
So here’s to you, Kefka Palazzo. You inspire me every single day and teach me the importance of laughter, mad make-up skills, and the inner strength to destroy any lesser beings who deserve nothing.
What is Valentine’s Day without pouring out everlasting love for both real people and fictional characters. When I think of a character worthy of such admiration from myself; it’s clear that there can only and will only be one. This character is none other than Uchiha Obito. I know, I know. I can already hear someone cry in angst that he’s an anime character and whilst he is first and foremost exactly that; my first experience with the Naruto series was in the form on Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm 3 and therefore he is my video game character of choice.
I could spend hours talking about how Obito is deserving as love. He’s one of the main villians in Naruto and I believe to be so misunderstood. Let’s look at his tragic youth, shall we? Forever second best to Hatake Kakashi in his team and in love with Nohara Rin who loves Kakashi creating an unfortunate love triangle. Sadly, he sacrifices himself for his team and is left for dead crushed under a trmendus amount of rock. As fate would have it he didn’t die and was nursed back to health by Uchiha Madara who manipulated him when he was still a child by having him witness cruel events such as Kakashi murdering Rin. Obito ends up being a pawn for Madara which is later clear, and his final good deed changes the outcome of the Fourth Great Ninja War.
He also has the most amazing abilities of anyone in the Naruto universe. Kamui is unrivaled. For those unaware it allows Obito to retreat into his own personal alternate dimension. He can completely teleport there, he can temporarily send specific body parts there that are under attack and of course he can store weapons there. It’s not fool proof but it’s hard to beat. He can also heal himself due to a large portion of himself being reconstructed with Zetsu matter and has access to both Rinnegan and Mangekyo Sharingan as well as Wood Style and a large chakra reserve. He also leads the Akatsuki and controls the Tailed Beasts for some time.
Well, this is longer than I expected! Basically, I just want to say that Obito has my love this Valentine’s Day because he deserves it. He has gone through so many hard times and he’s just an innocent boy at heart. He deserved proper redemption and I am still bitter that he didn’t survive an attack that he so clearly could have. I love Uchiha Obito and you should too!
Hey! It’s Valentine’s Day! And there’s no better way to celebrate than to wax poetic about my favorite waifu of them all-
Oh. Alas, the Well Red Mage has absconded with my waifu of choice before I could dibs. Curses…. *shakes fist*
…Then I shall wax poetic about my second favorite waifu of them all: the beautiful Princess Zelda from Breath of the Wild! Behold! here’s why she’s waifu material:
1. She genuinely cares for her people and her duty as princess.
Sure, Zelda may seem a bit down in the dumps at times, but really it’s because she takes her role seriously. She cares for her home, her subjects and the Champions that aid her. This leads me into my next reason:
2. She’s strong-willed.
Guys, she spent the better part of a hundred years holding back Calamity Ganon while waiting for Link to wake up and get his life back in order. Doing that takes a lot of inner strength, something I greatly admire about her. And now, for my final and most important reason:
3. She’s an intelligent and adorable dork.
Nothing attracts me more than a lady with a brain and this Zelda’s got plenty of them. She’s wholly focused on her research, whether it involves the ancient machineries of yore, or the flora and fauna that litters the vast kingdom. She also shows a goofy side to her, like when she captures a rare frog and tries to force Link to eat it. For research purposes or course. It was incredibly adorable to see her geek out about an amphibian and my heart melted at that scene.
So, beauty, a big heart, an iron will and a razor sharp mind: those reasons are why Princess Zelda is waifu material!
We’re in a fantastic time for video game dads. They’re the new hotness: the protector type, the family man, the jaded grouch with a heart of gold. Plus, women with a taste for older men have some eye candy. But while it’s a new trend, it’s not a new concept. Let’s talk about a classic video game dad who towers above all others.
Dracula is bae in more ways than one and I’m gonna give you five reason why.
- Can you say Silver Fox? Drac is definitely one of those guys who gets better with age.
A LOT better. Yikes. Amazing what a hundred years can do, right?
- He’s definitely a protector type. Look at the size of him. He’s not gonna really keep you warm at night, but there’s a grand total of like three people every few generations with the guts and whip to mess with him and you by proxy.
- Have you SEEN that castle? It’s HUGE! So spacious you’ll get lost for days. I’m one of those girls who wanted to be Belle when she grew up, and any castle I was gonna be a part of required a rocking library. Drac’s library is chock full of books that just jump out at you. You’ll be reading for the rest of your life there. I’d die happy (until I respawn at the save point).
- He’s all about his family. Yeah, he’s got some daddy issues with him on the daddy side, but just ask his last wife about how dedicated he is. You’re gonna need a Ouija board to do it, but there’s probably one lying somewhere around that castle. Huge, I say.
- He really gets what a man is.
But enough talk. Have at the next entry.
Margarete Gertrude Zelle (Shadow Hearts, PlayStation 2) is a stand-out character from the already amazing cast of Shadow Hearts. Right from her introduction, she is presented as a confident character with a love of making things go boom! Her snappy, flirtatious dialogue and promiscuous dress-sense seem to make even the usually suave lead character Yuri blush. Whilst initially only interested in joining the party to gain power, she admits later in the game that her intentions have changed and that she is envious of the relationship shared by Yuri and his love-interest Alice.
Interestingly, Margarete is loosely based on a genuine figure from history. Margaretha Geertruida Zelle (a.k.a. Mata Hari) was a Dutch exotic dancer executed on suspicion of being a spy in the first world war. This character-concept not only makes her fit in nicely with Shadow Hearts’ general tone but makes Margarete one of the more intriguing party-members. Not only does she maintain the sassy dialogue throughout, but also carries around a rather impressive selection of spy-gadgets and hidden weapons including sniper-rifles, a bazooka and even the ability to call in an air-strike.
In my opinion, what’s not to love about a stylish blonde weapons-master with a sharp tongue and plenty of tricks up her sleeve?
My waifu (I’m so old I needed that to be explained to me) is Cammy from Street Fighter. Aside from her physique, which is much of the reason as a young man I grew to like her, she was also one of my favorite players to fight with. She has a barrage of kick attacks and spins that make her extremely dangerous.
If you’re familiar with her back story she started off a part of M. Bisons crew but eventually learned of her past and chose to join British intelligence. The idea of being able to reconcile your past and live a good life in spite of who you used to be resonates with me. I think we all look back at our past with a bit of a cringe, but Cammy can be a role model for all of us. She’s got all the great qualities of a good woman and she’s easy on the eyes… the waifu double threat!
My reasoning for picking Kukui as my husbando:
OK, so this Polynesian-esque Professor is already happily married (to a fellow Professor, no less, so that’s two strong independent academics in that marriage!), but that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate that he’s total marriage material!
Smart as a button? Check: he’s a Professor.
Good with kids? Oh, yeah: he helps out the player character in Sun and Moon just for the joy of it, calling them ‘cousin’ and making sure they get to grow while also trying to help them out of situations they’re not quite ready for.
Community-minded? The guy set up his own Pokémon league on a tiny collection of islands so that people would have that adventure and fun experience!
Capable as heck? Uh, have you met the guy? He lets Pokémon try out attacks on him so he can learn more about them, which might be how he came to learn so much about Z-Moves. He’s also strong enough to be on the level of Champions from other regions (it’s suggested he might have made it through at least one other local Elite Four), and uses more genuinely competitive strategies than almost any other NPC Trainer in the series.
Fan of wrestling? Well… don’t tell anyone, but I hear he and the Masked Royal have never been seen in the same room…
Oh, and he’s got a rockin’ bod.
Lunafreya Nox Fleuret of Final Fantasy XV would make a perfect waifu this Valentine’s Day. Her devotion to following her beliefs, in addition to supporting others on their journeys, leads to her being one of the most influential heroines. This dutiful personality mixed with the playful nature we are exposed to from her past stems to a well-rounded woman that expresses proper emotions for all occasions, ending with her presence being the epitome of sheer beauty and youth. Man, Noctis sure is one lucky man!
Overwatch is a game that is basically a waifu/husbando factory, but one of them clearly stands above the rest. No, not D’va, Mercy, or that BAMF McCree. I’m of course referring to the star of the show: Mei.
Let us get the physical bit out of the way first shall we? Mei is beautiful of course, but she is also shaped like a real woman instead of a plastic supermodel and I find her to be very attractive. It is rare in the world of gaming that a female doesn’t look like a Barbie with bits of armor clipped to her, and I find Mei to be a refreshing change.
The physical portion is the most unimportant bit though, and it is imperative in any sort of relationship to have a partner that you can have discussions with. Even though Mei might be socially awkward she is obviously incredibly intelligent and would likely run rings around me in most intellectual matters. Partner that with her boundless enthusiasm, her optimistic nature, kindness, and her adorable accent and you have someone that would be a joy to be around in real life. If you watch the cinematic she is in, she also drinks from a mug that looks like a Murloc, meaning there is a good chance she plays video games.
With a quiet confidence she moves around the map freezing her enemies and annihilating them while simultaneously being genuinely adorable and worried about her enemies safety. Brains, beauty, kindness, gaming, and joy wrapped up in one person? I mean, what’s not to like?
Okay. So, I’m not really into the whole waifu/husbando thing in the sexy time sense, you know? Power to you if you are, though! If it’s fun for you, that’s awesome and enjoy, eh. For me? I want a “super-BFF-do”… wait, nope… “super-BFF-u” works better, I think. Yeah. I’m gonna go with that.
Anyway, that would be the video game character who would be my dream life partner. Someone badass who would always have my back no matter what. Someone who just gets me and I have a super special emotional bond with them. Wow. I’m getting all flushed just thinking about it. Woo! And that video game character would be none other than Liara T’Soni from the Mass Effect trilogy (purely a coincidence she shares a voice actress with my shero, I swear). By declining all the “official” romance options with the amazing asari, the close BFF bond she developed with my Commander Shepard surprisingly turned into the dream life partnership I’ve always wanted with someone. No kissing or drama…. BFF Liara is simply awesome at meaningful talks, always has my back when I’m feeling down (or even if I’m briefly dead), and she’s always up for tackling the horrors of the galaxy alongside me. Those badass biotic powers certainly help with that! In closing, Liara T’Soni – my dream super-BFF-u!
Valentine’s Day is the one day of the year when we all give money to a greedy corporation in the cynical belief that a small annual monetary transaction can replace the kind of love and appreciation we should display all the time.
Speaking of greedy corporations…
Electronic Arts’ The Sims 3 (2009) is the ultimate video game for lonely, lazy losers such as myself who like to indulge in its creepy pseudo-reality in an attempt to convince ourselves that we are in fact the Sim we control, that our relatively stable and organised life is our own and that every single WooHoo is just as pleasurable for us as it is for the uncanny bits of unfeeling data we still paradoxically wish we were. It’s the greatest sex game ever devised and also the most sinister video game ever created because the more you’re crying inside, the better the game is to play, and also easier.
So we come, then, to Blair Wainwright, a woman who doesn’t exist yet is also the eternal subject of my affections. She’s a loner, a hopeless romantic, childish, good and a genius. I don’t need to back that up with any examples, because they’re her 5 personality traits. Sims are so simple that their entire personality can be summed up in 5 words, exposing the facade of alleged realism that makes the games so disturbingly popular amongst angry children who enjoy roleplaying as a cruel, all-seeing god because they’re angry with a world that lacks the apparent order of a virtual one.
The bitter truth is that human beings are far too complex to ever truly know, whereas Sims are more likely to be compatible because of their limited brains, if only they really did have brains. Perhaps if finding a romantic partner were as simple as ticking 5 boxes, I probably wouldn’t need to spend countless late nights trying to graft my brainwaves through the cosmic Bleed and into the dimension where The Sims is real. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen. So I continue to gaze at the game, knowing that my chances of finding love are slipping away more and more as I continue to give my life to a false world presenting me with a simplified ideal that will constantly tease the satisfaction it will ultimately never give me.
Valentine’s Day makes me think of hearts and hearts are kinda shaped like butts. And nobody makes me think of butts more than NieR Automata’s android badass 2B. I kid, I kid — I’m not THAT shallow. 2B is certainly easy on the eyes, but it’s her fluid motions and immaculate fashion sense that makes me want her to choke me to death like I’m 9S. Kidding again. Or am I?
NieR Automata is one of my all-time favorites thanks to its incredible soundtrack and storytelling, and I’d no doubt bore 2B to death gushing about why the game is so special to me. It’s definitely a Valentine’s date destined for failure, but her blindfold should shield her eyes from my hideous figure and maybe I can win her over with my quick wit and bad jokes.
Video games can fill us with all kinds of emotions, anger, fear, elation… but can they fill us with love?
Well I believe that, in certain situations, they can. A strongly written and designed character can seem real if one becomes invested in their story and surely we can feel love, in some form or another, toward them?
The closest I ever came to this feeling in a video game was, unsurprisingly for anyone who knows me, whilst playing a PS1 era Final Fantasy game. Now, I know what you are thinking, dear listener:
“Oh, it’ll be Tifa or Aeris, maybe even Rinoa or Selphie or General Beatrix!”
You would be wrong! For my video gaming waifu is a little unconventional. For my waifu isn’t even heckin’ human. No, she is from the kingdom of Burmecia, the talented and deadly Dragoon from Final Fantasy IX, Freya Crescent.
That’s my rodent girl!
So, she looks like a bipedal rodent, what of it? I’ve always loved characters that look unusual (high five, Cait Sith!) and Miss Crescent is certainly that. Tall, willowy and with huge pointy ears, she certainly stands out from all of those other dragoons like Cid or that brainwashed loser Kain (only messing, I like Kain, really). She is also super talented with a spear and can jump out of battle for a weirdly long time (like, how high up can she go? Where does she go if she jumps indoors? Don’t we all love a woman of mystery?)
Freya was a knight of the rainy city of Burmecia, yet she left her people in search of the love of her life, Sir Fratley. Now that’s dedication, dropping a high income job to search for your missing explorer boyfriend is something that not every rodent warrior would do for their partner. And her life doesn’t get any easier, for though she finds her lost love, he has no memory of their time together (a plot thread which is never resolved satisfactorily) and, after this heart breaking scene, she also gets trounced by Alexandria’s General Beatrix (again) and is forced to watch the literal genocide of her people at the hands of a classic Odin summon spell.
And what does she do? How does she react to this horror? She falls to one knee for a few moments before sucking it up like a boss and once more launching herself into the fray, now fueled by the fires of rage. Yet when she goes face to face with Beatrix for a third time, what does she do? She helps Zidane and company to open her eyes to the truth of Alexandria’s shady schemes and actually ends up fighting alongside her, back to back. She fights and yet, indeed, she also protects.
So if I were to marry any video game character, it would be winner of the Top Dragoon award 2000, Freya Crescent. What a lovely rodent lady!
Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia is a game that tried to answer the question, “So what happens if there’s no Belmonts around? Does Dracula take a raincheck or does that just kind of count as a forfeit on humanity’s side?” It’s actually a good question, really, because Castlevania is a series where one family has spent centuries up to this point trying to permanently evict one pale guy from existence, since his superb interior decorating skills is unfortunately bundled with the constant harassment of the living and probably more than a couple of noise complaints.
I won’t go into the details of it all, but Shanoa answers that question with ‘I will happen, and I will do it better than any Belmont ever has’, and -does she-. She’s so much better than the Belmonts at this Vampire-Slapping gig, she expands her darkness-banishing to an entire countryside, because Shanoa is the kind of lady that needs a warm-up slaying before tackling the bigger fish. The entire first half of her adventure doesn’t even touch the dark castle, and by the time Act 2 even rolls around, she’s powerful enough to waltz right into Dracula’s living room and drop a meteor on him for the whole inconvenience of setting up shop in Ecclesia’s backyard.
Despite betrayal, amnesia, and having to deal with owning the mobility of a Castlevania protagonist- it’s not terribly great, that- Shanoa is so utterly determined to see her task to the end, that she’s pretty much the Igarashi equivalent of a postal carrier. Except instead of letters, she delivers stabbings and smitings to anything that even remotely looks evil. By the time the journey is through, she has broken in and out of jail, killed a giant crab with an elevator, punched her boss in the face, helped a chef make minestrone, kicked Dracula’s dog, disrespected the guy in his own pad, and then stole his wall meat.
Best girl, 10/10 QT π, don’t even @ me Belnades fans.
With the release of the Resident Evil 2 we got to revisit the adventures of two of the franchise’s most popular characters Kennedy and Claire Redfield. Since the original was released, Leon became the more breakout star but Claire has always had a place in my heart. Maybe it was because at 16/17 when I first played RE2 and she was only 3 years older than me and was more or less a regular person in an extraordinary situation. It made her all the more appealing.
Clair, we learn, is all sorts of things: loyal, brave, resourceful, kind and nurturing. And she doesn’t shake those characteristics at all to save herself from the hell that is Raccoon City. She is loyal since her whole reason for being in Raccoon City is searching for her brother Chris and even when she does learn about where he is, she’s there to help Leon, Sherry Birkin and try to help Marvin despite his constant orders to leave him. To face the horrors of Raccoon City at all costs shows her bravery and resourcefulness, since obviously you would have to be to survive it all.
Her kindness and nurturing is shown greatly in her relationship with Sherry Birkin. While circumstances differ between the original and the remake, she finds Sherry and goes the extra mile and then some to help her and keep her safe from the G-virus horrors even with her G-virus infested monstrosity of a father and mentally unstable mother. She never waivers in this goal even when Sherry is infested by her father and things look bleak, eventually curing Sherry of the terrible fate that could have befallen her.
These traits served her well in later games like Code: Veronica and Revelations 2 as she exhibited the same kind of abilities that we all know and love.
And now there is a really funny meme going around about Chris trying to force Leon into what is essentially a shotgun marriage to continue the Redfield bloodline. Weird, but funny. The internet is a strange, wondrous place.
-The New Age Retro Mage
The year was 2005, and I was sorely regretting my decision to go to grad school. My classes were not what I expected, and with a slowly building sense of doom, I realized that the earning potential I’d have upon graduation would not be worth the six figures in student loans I’d taken on. Even worse, I felt like a complete stranger in my new hometown. It was a very lonely period in my life, so you may not be entirely surprised to hear that I once holed up in my apartment for three wonderful days with a handsome man I’d only just met.
His name was Leon, and he was a secret service agent for the U.S. federal government. Together we went on a mission to rescue the President’s kidnapped daughter from an evil cult called Los Illuminados. No matter what horrible monsters stood in our path, he faced them all with stout resolution and a dry sense of humor. He could even take an axe to the face and keep on running. Leon was basically the textbook definition of bad ass.
Yet he was not an overly macho Rambo-type. No, he was more accessible than that—just a regular guy who you could easily picture having brunch with on a Sunday or taking home to meet your parents. And what a gentleman, too! When we finally rescued the President’s daughter, he politely declined her overly grateful attentions.
Finally after three heart-pounding days, I finished Resident Evil 4 and bid farewell to Leon. But I never forgot him, and I like to think he never forgot me either.
When it comes to characters in games we find ourselves growing attached to, sometimes quite unusually (that’s right, I can see you out there), none other comes to mind more prominently than the doll from Bloodborne.
Bloodborne, for me at least, was a perfect example of those games that throw you into a world where the story is all around you. Rather than anything being revealed to you through cutscenes or quests, like any other From Software game the story comes from its descriptions and character dialogue. For me though, no other character has half as much of an impact on the player than the doll.
The doll for me, more so than any other NPC, was like a constant anchor. Something that could bring you back to ground when all around you this violent nightmare was unfolding. Literally.
No matter what happened in the dark world of Bloodborne, the doll was always there.
Of course everybody has that one character, but for me, it will always be the doll.
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.
It’s a ridiculous testament to the lasting influence of Final Fantasy VII that the number one most vied for character for this collab was Tifa Lockhart. And that’s why I ensured I claimed her for my segment immediately after announcing this collab to our writers! Mwahaha all’s fair in love and waifus. Besides, Cloud doesn’t appear to want anything to do with Tifa, hung up as he is on ghosts and self-loathing, so she’s free, so far as I’m concerned.
And asking “Why Tifa?” is like asking any other immediately obvious, self-evident, asinine question: she’s the most caring, most selfless person in FFVII. She pushed Cloud’s spikey butt around in a wheelchair without thanks. She compromised the security of her business at 7th Heaven to provide a cover for AVALANCHE. She was friendly, not petty, with Aeris. She beat up gigantic kaiju with her own two hands. She’s the poster girl of the 90’s, she’s less Mary Sue than Aeris, a formidable hand-to-hand combatant, Cloud’s childhood sweetheart, an overcomer of her own self-doubts, not Don Corneo’s first pick (somehow?!), her limit break is OP, a vision of beauty, and compared to the rest of the gang in the game, she seems like the most mature and responsible out of the bunch, with no vendettas or ulterior motives other than having a big heart. The list goes on and on extolling her virtues. Tifa is too good a character to deserve all the smuttery that inhabits a Google search of her name.
Heck, my real world wife even looks like her! Speaking of, you may not be able to give anything to your digital waifu, or see them reciprocate, but you can be a meaningful person to other real people. Today and every day!
Anyway, obviously, Tifa is the ultimate fictional waifu, right? The answer can only be:
-The Well-Red Mage
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