Super Smash Bros. Ultimate is everywhere and everyone cooler than you is playing it and increasing their global rating online right now. Instead, you’re reading this because you fall for numbered lists every time. It might be self-discovery. It might be a lack of ambition. Or maybe you just get a kick out of making fun of others, you monster.
Here’s what your Smash Bros. Ultimate main says about you (send all complaints to Red at firstname.lastname@example.org):
You’re so white bread that people consistently forget your birthday, or that you’re in the room when they tell jokes about you.
2. Donkey Kong
When you smile at other people, it makes them very uncomfortable. It makes them feel the opposite of how smiles usually make people feel.
You wholeheartedly believe that working set up and tear down at the Renaissance Fair and sword-fighting in the park with duct taped PVC pipe makes you cool.
Is there such a thing as being too modest? You’d look great in a tarp.
5. Dark Samus
You lie awake at night concerned about the lack of selection at your local Hot Topic.
Your number one goal in life is to be the neediest person around, friend, sibling, or spouse. All you want to do is put other people in your mouth and in case them in your eggy proteins, metaphorically speaking. Also you have many infected tongue piercings.
A person of infinite masks, nobody knows the real, amorphous, amoebic you.
You may have forgotten to bathe after the last Melee tournament.
You’re confident in your flashy attractiveness but when someone confronts you on your recycled talking points, they discover you have a high sodium diet.
You have a secret crush on someone and you just can’t bring yourself to confess your love to them because they’re irreparably ugly.
You’re the proverbial kid brother and incapable of expressing emotion.
12. Captain Falcon
You’re unapologetically but misguidedly proud of your nipples.
Your one skill is being so impressively boring that you’re spending time reading this list in order.
You’re a real life McGuffin.
Not a butter face. Butter everything.
You might be deeply misogynistic but at least people only follow you because you have a YouTube channel.
17. Ice Climbers
You are that annoying couple that keeps changing their social media status from single to engaged to married and back again.
Your LinkedIn keeps recommending you apply to Buzzfeed and you don’t know why.
You can’t stop judging people based on the character they main in Smash.
20. Dr. Mario
You are often confused for a real life proctologist.
You still think that teabagging involves sipping hot beverages.
You are discount Revali. Like 50% off, at least.
You absolutely insist on playing battlefield only, with no items, and nobody liking you.
Yeah, you and everybody else playing Smash online.
25. Young Link
You pick political fights on Facebook and then run to Wikipedia for all your replies.
You snicker at home about comebacks you couldn’t think of when you were being bullied at work.
You have recorded yourself using the word “boughten” more than once, fluttering your eyelids when you talk.
Your family tree must be a dumpster fire because that’s what you are.
You’ve never had an original thought, except this one.
30. Mr. Game & Watch
You never shut up about retro games and “the good old days”, oblivious to the fact that no one even remembers the things you’re talking about.
31. Meta Knight
You belittle strangers on the internet out of self-esteem issues. In fact, reading this whole post is like looking in a mirror.
Your profile pic is a digital drawing of a white guy with glasses and some kind of game controller.
33. Dark Pit
Your Deviantart friends really miss your anime OCs: Deep Pit, Dug Pit, Arm Pit, and Empty Pit. Also, it’ll irritate you that I didn’t capitalize the second “a” in Deviantart.
34. Zero Suit Samus
“But what about Zero Suit Dark Samus?” … Idiot.
You’re the reason why gamers are a stereotype.
There’s not a single conspiracy theory on YouTube you wouldn’t fall for, right-wing, left-wing, or wingnut. Watch out for those Zeta Reticulants.
You’re the type that pronounces everything wrong, and argues about it. Even though there’s a narrator that says the names of the characters in his loud, booming voice, you still say “Ee-kay”.
38. Pokémon Trainer
Your Smash career is the equivalent of drowning, asphyxiation, or self-immolation. Take your pick.
39. Diddy Kong
You have the worst rapper name.
You have the charisma of a cult leader.
You live in denial that you belong to the weirdest fandom on Earth (until Undertale comes to Smash), but the proof is you secretly use the Sonic movie teaser poster as your mobile wallpaper.
42. King Dedede
You express your opinions with the subtlety and finesse of a giant, clumsy penguin.
You have the beliefs of a vegan without actually being vegan, you little hypocrite.
Your dad let you play Smash for the first time.
You contracted an STD from dumpster diving, but you still do it anyway because one time you found a broken top you think came from a R.O.B. robot.
46. Toon Link
You let FAQs decide which character you should play.
Your social media platform is built on complaining about people more popular than you.
You’re often mistaken for a generic, store-bought family portrait still in the frame and hung on the wall.
49. Mega Man
Life has given you a lot of lemons. Instead of turning them into lemonade, you fiddled clumsily with them pretending like you knew what you were doing and that’s how you ended up with so many ulcers and also pink eye.
50. Wii Fit Trainer
You have never actually done yoga. You just like to watch.
51. Rosalina & Luma
You’re always polite, kind, and charitable toward others, so long as they can see you being polite, kind, and charitable.
52. Little Mac
You probably named your Switch account “VapeGod69”.
Your hands sweat a lot when you play Smash, and you’ve been known to blame the odor on your pets.
You’re an enabler. You enable other people to put throw away characters in Smash Ultimate rather than fighters that anyone actually cares about.
You might not be a total anachronism yet, but you certainly will be someday. You already complain loudly about Snapchat, Starbucks, and Fortnite dances every chance you get.
When people use a taunt, it legitimately hurts your feelings.
Nice guys finish last but somehow you always finish last, too, and then you Shulk about it.
58. Bowser Jr./Koopalings
You have always wondered why you have so many siblings and also why you have eleven toes, but never put those two thoughts together.
59. Duck Hunt
This is the only character on the entire roster that you actually recognize, and now it’s time to take your afternoon nap.
“Hey bro check out my Global Smash Power rank bro.”
Sometimes you dog whistle at your reflection just to see what it feels like, once a week.
When you’re feeling extra emo, you blast Linkin’ Park at max volume every day.
Yeah right like anyone mains Corrin.
You’ve weaponized your sexuality so that no one learns about the really nasty birthmark you’ve got.
Spent a lot of time Googling “Bowsette”.
You over-hype everything and then vent about it afterward in a typo-laden Metacritic blurb.
It doesn’t really matter to you which character you pick so long as you can spam their projectiles.
You’re attracted to characters whose names are very similar to the word “sphincter”.
69. King K. Rool
You have to be the best at the expense of having no friends.
You’ll never be disappointed in life with zero aspirations.
You’re always the last one picked for the team.
You’re the ultimate fan. You’ll never stop wishing they’d add Goku to Smash. 72 fighters, 850 songs, and 1297 spirits just isn’t enough for you until they represent your one wet dream character.
And if you’re planning on playing Piranha Plant, you just might be the reason why there’s no Geno in this game.