Opinion

“What 72 Super Smash Bros. Ultimate Mains Say About The People Who Pick ‘Em… According to the Rage Mage!!!”

 

Rage Mage right RAGE MAGE!!!

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate is everywhere and everyone cooler than you is playing it and increasing their global rating online right now. Instead, you’re reading this because you fall for numbered lists every time. It might be self-discovery. It might be a lack of ambition. Or maybe you just get a kick out of making fun of others, you monster.

Here’s what your Smash Bros. Ultimate main says about you (send all complaints to Red at thewellredmage@gmail.com):

 

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1. Mario

You’re so white bread that people consistently forget your birthday, or that you’re in the room when they tell jokes about you.

 

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2. Donkey Kong

When you smile at other people, it makes them very uncomfortable. It makes them feel the opposite of how smiles usually make people feel.

 

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3. Link

You wholeheartedly believe that working set up and tear down at the Renaissance Fair and sword-fighting in the park with duct taped PVC pipe makes you cool.

 

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4. Samus

Is there such a thing as being too modest? You’d look great in a tarp.

 

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5. Dark Samus

You lie awake at night concerned about the lack of selection at your local Hot Topic.

 

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6. Yoshi

Your number one goal in life is to be the neediest person around, friend, sibling, or spouse. All you want to do is put other people in your mouth and in case them in your eggy proteins, metaphorically speaking. Also you have many infected tongue piercings.

 

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7. Kirby

A person of infinite masks, nobody knows the real, amorphous, amoebic you.

 

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8. Fox

You may have forgotten to bathe after the last Melee tournament.

 

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9. Pikachu

You’re confident in your flashy attractiveness but when someone confronts you on your recycled talking points, they discover you have a high sodium diet.

 

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10. Luigi

You have a secret crush on someone and you just can’t bring yourself to confess your love to them because they’re irreparably ugly.

 

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11. Ness

You’re the proverbial kid brother and incapable of expressing emotion.

 

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12. Captain Falcon

You’re unapologetically but misguidedly proud of your nipples.

 

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13. Jigglypuff

Your one skill is being so impressively boring that you’re spending time reading this list in order.

14. Peach

You’re a real life McGuffin.

 

15. Daisy

Not a butter face. Butter everything.

 

16. Bowser

You might be deeply misogynistic but at least people only follow you because you have a YouTube channel.

 

17. Ice Climbers

You are that annoying couple that keeps changing their social media status from single to engaged to married and back again.

 

18. Sheik

Your LinkedIn keeps recommending you apply to Buzzfeed and you don’t know why.

19. Zelda

You can’t stop judging people based on the character they main in Smash.

20. Dr. Mario

You are often confused for a real life proctologist.

 

21. Pichu

You still think that teabagging involves sipping hot beverages.

22. Falco

You are discount Revali. Like 50% off, at least.

23. Marth

You absolutely insist on playing battlefield only, with no items, and nobody liking you.

 

24. Lucina

Yeah, you and everybody else playing Smash online.

 

25. Young Link

You pick political fights on Facebook and then run to Wikipedia for all your replies.

 

26. Ganondorf

You snicker at home about comebacks you couldn’t think of when you were being bullied at work.

 

27. Mewtwo

You have recorded yourself using the word “boughten” more than once, fluttering your eyelids when you talk.

 

28. Roy

Your family tree must be a dumpster fire because that’s what you are.

 

29. Chrom

You’ve never had an original thought, except this one.

30. Mr. Game & Watch

You never shut up about retro games and “the good old days”, oblivious to the fact that no one even remembers the things you’re talking about.

31. Meta Knight

You belittle strangers on the internet out of self-esteem issues. In fact, reading this whole post is like looking in a mirror.

32. Pit

Your profile pic is a digital drawing of a white guy with glasses and some kind of game controller.

33. Dark Pit

Your Deviantart friends really miss your anime OCs: Deep Pit, Dug Pit, Arm Pit, and Empty Pit. Also, it’ll irritate you that I didn’t capitalize the second “a” in Deviantart.

 

34. Zero Suit Samus

“But what about Zero Suit Dark Samus?” … Idiot.

 

35. Wario

You’re the reason why gamers are a stereotype.

 

36. Snake

There’s not a single conspiracy theory on YouTube you wouldn’t fall for, right-wing, left-wing, or wingnut. Watch out for those Zeta Reticulants.

 

37. Ike

You’re the type that pronounces everything wrong, and argues about it. Even though there’s a narrator that says the names of the characters in his loud, booming voice, you still say “Ee-kay”.

 

38. Pokémon Trainer

Your Smash career is the equivalent of drowning, asphyxiation, or self-immolation. Take your pick.

 

39. Diddy Kong

You have the worst rapper name.

 

40. Lucas

You have the charisma of a cult leader.

 

41. Sonic

You live in denial that you belong to the weirdest fandom on Earth (until Undertale comes to Smash), but the proof is you secretly use the Sonic movie teaser poster as your mobile wallpaper.

 

42. King Dedede

You express your opinions with the subtlety and finesse of a giant, clumsy penguin.

 

43. Olimar

You have the beliefs of a vegan without actually being vegan, you little hypocrite.

44. Lucario

Your dad let you play Smash for the first time.

 

45. R.O.B.

You contracted an STD from dumpster diving, but you still do it anyway because one time you found a broken top you think came from a R.O.B. robot.

 

46. Toon Link

You let FAQs decide which character you should play.

 

47. Wolf

Your social media platform is built on complaining about people more popular than you.

 

48. Villager

You’re often mistaken for a generic, store-bought family portrait still in the frame and hung on the wall.

 

49. Mega Man

Life has given you a lot of lemons. Instead of turning them into lemonade, you fiddled clumsily with them pretending like you knew what you were doing and that’s how you ended up with so many ulcers and also pink eye.

 

 

50. Wii Fit Trainer

You have never actually done yoga. You just like to watch.

 

51. Rosalina & Luma

You’re always polite, kind, and charitable toward others, so long as they can see you being polite, kind, and charitable.

 

52. Little Mac

You probably named your Switch account “VapeGod69”.

 

53. Greninja

Your hands sweat a lot when you play Smash, and you’ve been known to blame the odor on your pets.

 

54. Palutena

You’re an enabler. You enable other people to put throw away characters in Smash Ultimate rather than fighters that anyone actually cares about.

55. Pac-Man

You might not be a total anachronism yet, but you certainly will be someday. You already complain loudly about Snapchat, Starbucks, and Fortnite dances every chance you get.

 

56. Robin

When people use a taunt, it legitimately hurts your feelings.

 

57. Shulk

Nice guys finish last but somehow you always finish last, too, and then you Shulk about it.

 

58. Bowser Jr./Koopalings

You have always wondered why you have so many siblings and also why you have eleven toes, but never put those two thoughts together.

 

 

59. Duck Hunt

This is the only character on the entire roster that you actually recognize, and now it’s time to take your afternoon nap.

 

60. Ryu

“Hey bro check out my Global Smash Power rank bro.”

61. Ken

Sometimes you dog whistle at your reflection just to see what it feels like, once a week.

 

62. Cloud

When you’re feeling extra emo, you blast Linkin’ Park at max volume every day.

 

63. Corrin

Yeah right like anyone mains Corrin.

 

64. Bayonetta

You’ve weaponized your sexuality so that no one learns about the really nasty birthmark you’ve got.

 

65. Inkling

Spent a lot of time Googling “Bowsette”.

 

66. Ridley

You over-hype everything and then vent about it afterward in a typo-laden Metacritic blurb.

 

67. Simon

It doesn’t really matter to you which character you pick so long as you can spam their projectiles.

 

68. Richter

You’re attracted to characters whose names are very similar to the word “sphincter”.

 

69. King K. Rool

You have to be the best at the expense of having no friends.

 

70. Isabelle

You’ll never be disappointed in life with zero aspirations.

 

71. Incineroar

You’re always the last one picked for the team.

 

72. Miis

You’re the ultimate fan. You’ll never stop wishing they’d add Goku to Smash. 72 fighters, 850 songs, and 1297 spirits just isn’t enough for you until they represent your one wet dream character.

 

And if you’re planning on playing Piranha Plant, you just might be the reason why there’s no Geno in this game.

 

 

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