“The following is a contributor post by the Mail Order Ninja Mage.”
How the Grinch Stole Christmas is not just my favorite Christmas book–it is one of my favorite books of all time. I have read it to my children probably over a thousand times, and in doing so have memorized the entirety of it.
A random Saturday at 3AM in the morning I sat bolt upright and headed to my computer to dash this out. In case you were unaware, Christmage is an upcoming collaboration of bloggers sharing their favorite holiday gaming memories across the entire month of December. Yours truly is featured on December 7th, so be sure to tune in then, but I’m incredibly excited to read all of the mages as they serve up delicious nuggets of holiday nostalgia.
So here, on the eve of our Christmage Collaboration, I would like to share this small bit of entertainment with you. Enjoy, and MERRY CHRISTMAGE!
How The Troll Stole Christmage
By Dr. Ninja Mage
Every Mage on Well-Red Discord liked Christmage a lot…
But the Troll who lived alone on his channel did NOT!
The Troll hated Christmage! The whole Christmage season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be he was just wound far too tight.
It could be, perhaps, his misplaced rage made him fight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason,
His heart or his rages,
He stood there on Christmage Eve, hating the Mages,
Staring down from his channel with a sour, Troll-y frown,
At the warm, friendly chats and debates that went down.
For he knew every Mage down in Well-Red Discord today
Was typing sweet Christmas memories, their pasts to replay.
“And they’re typing their nice nonsense!” he snarled with a sneer.
“Tomorrow starts Christmage! It’s practically here!”
The he growled, with his Grinch fingers furiously tapping,
“I MUST find some way to stop Christmage from happ’ning!”
Tomorrow, he knew…
All the Mage girls and boys
Would wake far and wide. They’d rush for their publish buttons.
And then! Oh, the words! Oh, the Words! Words! Words! Words! Words!
That’s one thing he hated! The WORDS! WORDS! WORDS! WORDS!
Then the Mages, young and old, would sit down and they’d chat
And they’d chat! And they’d chat!
And they’d CHAT!
They would chat kindly about games, and debate Pokemon beasts
Which was something the Troll couldn’t stand in the least!
They’d do something
He liked least of all!
Every Mage down in Well-Red, the big and the small,
Would gather close together, with Christmage schedule times touchin’.
They’d gather nearby. And the Mages would start friendly long-form discussion.
They’d discuss! And they’d discuss!
AND they’d DISCUSS! DISCUSS! DISCUSS! DISCUSS!
And the more the Troll thought of this Christmage-Thing,
The more the Troll thought, “I must stop this whole thing!
“Why, for several years I’ve put up with it now!
“I MUST stop this Christmage from coming!
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” The Troll chortled and tittered.
And he logged into his phone and headed to Twitter.
And chuckled, and clucked, “What a great Troll-y trick!
“I’ll turn them against each other, with hatred, and quick!”
“All I need is a mob..”
The Troll looked around
But since his Discord was empty, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Troll…?
No! The Troll simply said,
“If I can’t find an outraged mob, I’ll make one instead!”
So he DM’d other jerks. And he made a hashtag
And he scattered it out like a gross Troll-y frag.
He started a blog
Where he sputtered and cursed
Spread discontent and malaise
And he trolled up his worst.
Then the Troll said, “Attack!”
And the mob started about
Toward Twitter and comments
To stomp the Mages right out.
All their blogs were quite dark. Nothing was hosting.
All the Mages were all dreaming of the next day’s memories posting.
When he came to the first little Mage on the blog there.
“This is stop number one,” the old Troll he did preen.
He spit all his rage, and what he thought were cool memes.
He spread horrible messages. It was all quite mean and droll.
But, if One Angry Gamer could do it, then so could the Troll.
He stopped only once for a moment or two.
Then he stopped thinking of them as people
And his comments, they flew.
The little Mage friendships couldn’t be all that strong.
“These friendships,” he grinned, “are the first things to go!”
Then he slithered and slunk to each blog and Twitter with glee.
Insulted their games, challenged all their beliefs.
Zelda! And Pokemon! Final Fantasy XIII! Retro!
NES! SNES! DLC! And even Metro!
Then he blamed each on the other. Then the Troll, very wryly,
Brought politics into it, all of it done quite slyly!
Then he started at Facebook, insulting the families.
He had gathered addresses and started to dox,
When he heard dulcet tones, like the grinding of sweet velvet rocks.
He turned around fast, and what he saw made him shiver!
The owner of the site, who was just far too clever.
The Troll had been caught by this Moses so Red
Who had just stopped by Twitter before going to bed
He stared at the Troll and said, ““Angry Troll, why,
“Why are you being such a Neanderthal, why?”
But, you know, that old Troll thought he was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
“Well my parents were mean,” the stupid Troll lied,
“So it is all their fault how I feel inside.”
“I’ll stop, this I swear, and I’ll try to be better.”
“I’ll leave nicer comments, and remove hatred from Twitter”
And his fib fooled the Red Mage, who believed in the good of the people.
And he smiled and deceived, and his reassurance sent the Mage off to bed.
And as soon as the Mage was in bed with his dreams,
The Troll went right back to being awful and mean!
Then he did the same thing to the other Mage’s Twitter.
And the mob raged on against them
Both angry and bitter.
It was a quarter till launch time…
All the Mages, still a-bed,
All the Mages, still a-snooze
When he launched DOS attacks against all of their sites.
He crashed them all good, so they never could write.
“Pooh-Pooh to the Mages!” he was troll-ish-ly humming.
“They’re finding out now that no Christmage is coming!”
“They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!
“Their fingers will hover over the keyboard a moment or two”
“Then the Mages will tear each other apart, and all cry BOO-HOO!”
“That’s a reaction,” grinned the Troll
“That I simply MUST read!”
So, he fired up his notices, while watching TV.
And he did see reactions start across Twitter.
They started out small. Then started to get bigger…
But, this sound wasn’t mad!
Why, this sound sounded friendly!
It couldn’t be so!
But it WAS friendly! VERY!
He hacked into their Discord!
The Troll popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he read was a shocking surprise!
Every Mage in the Discord, the big and the small,
Was chatting quite friendly, sharing Christmage memories and all!
He HADN’T stopped Christmage from coming!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Troll, with his troll-feet tapping on the cold floor,
Sat puzzling, and puzzling: “How could I have done more?
“I drummed up the outrage! I made them all fight!
“I gave out their addresses, with hate, and my spite!”
And he puzzled for hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Troll thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe Christmage,” he thought, “doesn’t come just for kicks.”
“Maybe Christmage…perhaps…means far more than just clicks.”
And what happened then…?
Well…in Mage chat they say
That the Troll’s tiny heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn’t feel quite so tight,
He apologized for the pain that he knew wasn’t right.
He called off the mob, spread messages of love, and stopped all the cussin’.
He realized the joy of friendship of Mages and long form discussion
Brought the sites back, and Christmage, and changed his blog too!
Kindness and not hate had made him new friends, Who knew?!
He brought back the posts, and the memories, and the friendship the most.
And he, the Troll himself, wrote the last Christmage post.
The Mail Order Ninja Mage loves video games across every console: an assassin of fanboy nonsense. He also really loves martial arts and pizza, though that is of no consequence here. To read more of his random word soup, or to view daily(ish) photo mode screenshots from his favorite games, visit him at Home Button.
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