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Rage Mage Reviews!
A faceless entity on the interwebs recently asked me: “Can you spare some change? I need to catch a bus to LA.” No, I can’t but I can tell you why I stopped watching Marvel movies at Age of Ultron, or as I like to call it Marvel-suicide by Ultron. Hope you like “Counter Culture” articles.
Actually I thought the first Avengers was a pretty decent movie, so far as chick flicks go. When I heard Age of Ultron was a little more than “disappointing” from several reviewers, I knew it was time to clench the buttocks and watch it myself. So… why is this movie even called AGE of Ultron? Ultron has about as little affect upon the world or these characters as a common cold, and his influence lasts little more than the total runtime, which is what? Like a sneeze from Downey Jr.’s nasty old man goatee? Looks like another case of Marvel Mickey Mousing it.
Also, no character development. Strange leaps of logic. Generic, whitebread characters about as diverse as bingo night, armed with the same old snarky, quip-laden, one-liner-prone, camera-winking personalities. Black Widow suddenly hitting on a hairy-chested man who is old enough to be her manically depressed and alcoholic father. All, and there were many, the lazily written biblical references put in there in a slopshod attempt to lend some sense of pretentious importance and apocalyptic weight to an otherwise cheery but brief amusement park ride. Ultron says “on this rock, I will build my church”. On vibranium? That’s stupid.
Looks like it’s another forgettable Marvel villain, another megalomaniac, world-destroying, clone-leading, less-than-frightening “bad guy” without any menace or sensible, relatable motivation. Of all the creepy things on the internet, Ultron latches on to Pinnochio to express his diabolical menace… He skipped the creepypasta and went for that? My millennial secretary can’t even… oh yeah, then I remembered: Disney. Live action remake-milking Disney. Is Age of Ultron a live action remake of Tron? Because it’s the same story, except Tron was less boring.
Also, expendable characters (I could tell *SPOILER* Quickie was gonna die half way through the movie, yet ironically his final line was “bet you didn’t see that coming”). Typical Marvel humor-drenched, HD graphics-heavy, drama-draining, stifling and suffocating, Joss Whedon-breaking presentation. I mean, *FRICKIN’ SPOILER* Quicksilver saved Hawkeye’s life–like anybody cares about ol’ beady-eyed Hawkeye–and Hawkeye just leaves him on the floor, doesn’t cover him with a jacket or anything and delivers the brisk and incredibly callow line “it’s been a long day” while he lies down right next to the guy who gave his life to save him without showing any kind of remorse or thankfulness. Sanctity of life? That’s for anti-choicers! Out the window with you!
And worst of all, it’s a film without any consequences: Tony Stark literally caused the whole movie-event with his (seen it) “we can therefore we should” science experiment, and thereby is ultimately responsible for the deaths of tens of thousands of people with the Hulk faceoff and the floating Kryptonite city at the end, and yet he just drives off in his flashy sports car. At least we get to hear half of Cap ‘Murica saying “Avengers assemble” in front of a minor league team of cheap, DC-plagiarizing D-listers.
Let’s not forgive Stark so quickly though: Stark wasn’t defending himself. Stark wasn’t thinking about retiring. Stark was acting exactly how this movie wanted him to act: a prop moved along by the so-called “plot”. So he drives off scott free. What?! Yep. That’s it. No turning himself in for crimes against humanity? The man literally lost nothing. If that’s not prepubescent, irresponsible, unethical, unrealistic, inconsequential, heartless, predictable, thoughtless storytelling than I don’t know what is. This kind of movie is a disturbing trend in pop culture and I shudder to think that grown man-kids idolize these far from heroic morons who run away from their mistakes, so they too can grow up to destroy the world.
And none of that can simply be solved by appealing to comic-knowledge. These are not even the characters from the comics… NOT TO MENTION, for example: Captain America cussing! Are you joking? He’s Captain America, people. He defecates righteousness. What a let down, considering Marvel has a lot going for them in terms of characters, and this is the kind of pandering, spectacular mess they churn out of their sheep-operated studios. I mean, sure, great action and it was pretty to look at, but c’mon, so are video games, and some of those are more moving than anything in this, quote, “film”.
The 8-bit Review:
Aw yeah Scarlett Johansson you look young gurl!!!!!!!!!1
But when she talks it sounds like moose whining.
I kept waiting for the game over screen and there was no option to skip the dialogue-heavy cutscenes.
“God creates dinosaurs, God destroys dinosaurs. God creates Man, man destroys God. Man creates robots… Robots eat man… Woman inherits the earth.”
Family Friendliness: 5/10
I mean I’d take my family to see it, if I wanted them to leave me for someone who had better taste in movies.
I would rather watch the 1990’s Captain America again then rewatch Age of Ultron. At least with 90’s Cap a largely insane culture can agree with me that it’s bad.
Well yeah being hit over the head with a -10 blunt force object is a unique moving going experience but not necessarily a pleasant one.
My Personal Grade: 2/10
One of the worst movies I’ve ever paid full price to see. And that statement is far from biased, as I know several human beings who feel exactly the same way. Is it too late to get my money back or do I have to live with this inescapable guilt?
Aggregated Score: 3.5
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