Rage Mage Reviews!
Witness the feeding frenzy of self-important Thesaurus owners and their bloviated pretension as they use long words like “bloviated pretension” to make you feel stupid for enjoying a movie you shouldn’t have enjoyed in their opinion. It’s a film so divisive and unpopular with predictably supercilious octogenarians, Randy Herpeshousen of San Francisco Tribune says “joyless and I didn’t laugh”, Fatty McFatfat of The Boron Times spouted “it’s not enough like a Marvel movie”, Hugh G. Buttnoogie of Almost All Writers United called it “pandering to everyone but me”, and Slarti Bartfast of Detroit Star roared “hyperbolically magnificated embellishment”.
From the critics who brought you such modest understatements as “[It] doesn’t deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence as barrels” (Schindler’s List), “It is a film so awe-inspiringly wooden that it is basically a fire-risk” (Citizen Kane), “An explosion in a stupid factory” (Blade Runner), “It’s marginally better than The Cat in the Hat, though that’s like saying suffocation is mildly more amusing than drowning” (Casablanca), “Perhaps the closest Hollywood has come yet to making ‘Ow! My balls!’ seem like a plausible future project” (Forrest Gump), and…“Absolute crack: appallingly written, witlessly directed and sung as if by mice being tortured. It makes Teletubbies look like The Iliad in comparison” (Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens), comes a host of high-brow reviews that are overlong, sullen, boring, plodding, ostentatious, and joyless about a film they’re calling overlong, sullen, boring, plodding, ostentatious, and joyless. I guess life really does imitate art.
“Misogynist, paternalistic…fascist even,” yelped one reviewer on Yelp, then gave the rating 5 out of 10. A fascist film is an average film.
Are we ignoring the chasmic juxtaposition between the Tomatometer and the audience score? Despite the critical bloodbath, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice has “scored big” at the box office. Yes, even bigger than the morbidly obese egos of these pallid social justice warriors. It’s ironic that these critics’ reviews have dominated Rotten Tomatoes, considering they undoubtedly have no vegetables in their diets. But it is hard to argue with their Red Bull-fueled dedication. At least, their obsession with their own opinions is still a better love story than Twilight.
The critics of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice stars…
“I talk more better than you”
“I’ve never made a movie before”
The decline of TIME Maganize
Paid for by the Happiest Place on Earth
Angry White Boy, sir
That guy who stares at your legs at Starbucks
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